The Voice Within

I must express, that I pray that you will not judge me after reading this post because I'm dealing with this problem slowly.
After hiding myself under the shell ever since I came back, I thought I should vent out my long-kept thoughts & feelings about the one true issue I've been dealing with for a long time.
Please bare with me.

For the record, I do not seek self pity or any form of attention . And this isn't any intention of bragging because it wasn't anything that made me happy but hey, a lesson is learnt.
Big time. But, if you choose to comment, please let it be an honest one. :) Thank you.

So typical. Every other girl I know would kill to find any solution to rid one of girl's most hated enemy : flabs. You would be thinking, " God, this girl is mad posting up about the weight loss and making such a comprehensive big deal out of all of this". I'm sorry but I've kept this bottled up for too long and knowing I have this to look back at, I knew I would be doing this eventually.

Yes, I admit the fact I'm making a big deal out of all of this. But I never knew that there would be consequences that destroy you mentally. Okay, destroy was abit exaggerated. Maybe influence, affect or brainwash? Either one.

Honestly, I didn't give a nut when it came to this issue. It was easy : moderation. That was two years ago. Last year, maybe due to the ongoing stress or growth/puberty, I managed to lose some . That made me all the happier. But something still hung in there.

I did lose some weight at camp.So, since I was entirely free after that, I could do something about the weight. I was already in healthy mode when I got back . When some people did comment , I would shyly put myself in denial and tell you that I didn't lose any weight.

Because, through my already deranged mind, I could raise my intentions to lose more.

For the entire first month, I layed off, as in almost completely wiped out bread or anything complex from my meal. The only thing I feasted on were fruits,veges, and meat. Even ice-cream/chocolate/sweet temptations cannot befall on my platter because that would just mean my plans are ruined. Then, the strainous body sit-ups & leg ups went on close to 3 digits a day, plus jogging whenever I can when my dad was around.

I even took up the time to surf the net for good healthy diets that would suit me, even switching to low'calorie/low'carb/low everything to boost up the plan.

Soon, it was April, and I got used to the fact that anything other than the three solely named "healthy & non guilty" foods would be my enemy. I could only chomp on them once a week and that would be my reward. The exercises went on. My parents never noticed anything amiss, until I became obsessed with the weighing machine.

I admit to silently crying when I felt helpless on why I just couldn't do anything anymore.

And whenever there were these hi-teas/big dinners/ whatever not, I pushed myself even harder for exercises and laying off anything heavy or light the next day so that my body will consume energy stored the day before. I even did that with my Saigon trip,to be honest. I thought I was plainfully right all this while.

Finally, this month, my obsession was still holding on and I continued the routine. I made my body compromise with the new deed I'm doing before my parents let out a huge lecture about my sick doings & how my sister poked my stomach day-to-day for the past week.

"Ever since you gave up on food,something ate your jovial self. You never smile anymore"

"Ma, Bie has absolutely no stomach"

"You don't love food anymore, do you?"

I heard them everyday for the past week. Even my DAD questioned me,

"When are you going to stop?"


Rest assure, I didn't want to stop. Its like a hoarseful voice telling me I should keep going. But just last night, I knew something was bothering me, and I'm glad I knew what it was.


Here it is.

I am already brainwashed by the fact that everything to me would make me fatter the next day and that the flabs would increase day by day. I distanced myself from others just so that I won't be tempted. I start to worry & sweat when I see the bulge right after eating a meal, thinking this shouldn't be happening. I look at my reflection every second of the day to see my tummy and resented & got angry at myself .


And what my Mum said was true.

I dont see myself in a happier place, because I'm caught up in this dark room where all that exists are the only words to continue losing all I can. I lost my happier self, my jovial mood and everything between.


Sometimes, my thoughts are just so messed up, I begin to search for other ways to make me happier but it just wouldnt work. Whenever I stood up, my head would be swinging from side to side and I could have easily passed out once.

I made myself think that if I did put on the kilos back, I won't be the same. When clearly enough, I'm not the same right at this moment. I can easily say the last two months weren't anything happy for me because I had to dispatch almost everything I love just so that I won't have this running guilt up against me. Even when my dearie came for our catchup sessions and said she was doing a paper on eating disorder, she could even tell me that I showed some of the signs,

and I foolishly put it on deaf ear.

And even my uncle, who can be sarcastic at times, had the nudge to tell me to put on the weight back because I looked "scrawny". I know it was exaggerated, I'm not in any of that form.

At this very moment, I'm completely retaliated and defenseless for what has caused me to do all of this these last two months. I ate my own body up. I always felt lethargic, weak, moodless, thus the emotional parts at the end of my posts. My mind is completely turned 360 degrees to what I've been doing, thinking it was right when it was downright wrong all this while.

I messed up big time because not only costed me my self-esteem, but my fear of eating suddenly became attached together.

Tell me, does yoghurt cheesecake sound good to you? I answered yes.
Does chocolate strawberry cake sound good to you? I answered not sure.

Hell, I'm a chocolate lover and that answer stunned my sister more than anything else.

I may not have been rail thin, but being at this stage doesnt require you to be in that condition, thats why "nervosa" is added to aneroxia. And no, I wasn't aneroxic. I won't comply with that reality, (well I amost did, maybe). Its the mind that boggles up everything to thinking you're doing something right when you're not.

Yes, you may be practicing the diet above and hey, it works well for you and I am the only person making such a big fuss about how nonsensical this paragraph is. But, not all diets work for anyone, and hell maybe weight loss isn't for everyone too.

Realising this made me understand how much time it takes for someone to kick themselves out of the bad habits they've been keeping. Somehow, at this age, everyone would be happily jollying the fact that they are still teens & still growing up and how the terms "Enjoying Life " & "Living Life to the Fullest" should be our motto because life is indeed good.

I admit I made the worst decision of all, taking a toll on myself.

Hence, I will get myself out of this dark room & see the greener grass on the other side.
What made me realise all of this, was definitely God's words through my parents and
I truly believe that He made me who I am, and thus my image would reflect His image onto me.


And I cannot erase that, never.

love,

Sabrina